The Ur-Um Wines And Spirits Company

A home where the buffadogs roam

Home to huge synthetic distilleries and mountainous hydroponic skyscrapers, Ur-Um provides the New World with wines, whiskies, almost natural beef, saloons and gunslingers in vast quantities. Styling itself on the Old West, the majority of Ur-Um territory is considered sunbathing pasture for its photosynthetic livestock, with the rustlers and cowboys that such valuable creatures entail. Saloons, general stores and barbershops turned augment mechanics are clustered around the distantly spaced solar charging stations, creating pockets of civilization dotted around the endless desert. Adventurers drawn here solve local problems; roving gangs, rustlers, lone dark horsemen and caravan hijackings, and those born here make for excellent gunmen and self-styled sheriffs and bringers of justice.

The lone megacity of Ur-Um, Whaddyacallit, is built around a shipping port north of J.A.V, and often forms huge naval caravans with the competing territory in order to protect each other from pirates, despite their cultural differences. The megacity itself is particularly old-fashioned compared to its contemporaries; a series of smaller interlinked skyscrapers no taller than 50 stories that each serve a singular purpose, be it residential, office space, shopping or food growing. Crime here is almost exclusively the result of personal feuds and gunfights over drunken nonsense, quickly punished by Whaddyacallit's sheriff, "Double Barrel Darrell '' and his trigger happy deputies.

History of the Ur-Um Wines And Spirits Company

Ur-Um's history begins and ends with two facets:Farming and Ancient Construction. Farming became so important because the territory was the largest area of available arable land as the desertification of the south took place on the continent, with large numbers of farms being created from clear cutting the ancient yukon forests (a process necessary to feed people, but which only accelerated the desertification). This lead to a large plains area quickly forming, arctic tundra swiftly becoming even more arable land that was swiftly occupied by various homesteaders, preppers, and other groups as they fled north during the preparations for the world governments to move as many people as they could underground into the bunker system. Due to the high population, this made it an ideal recruiting ground for the massive amounts of labor necessary to throw at such projects, from the bunker network, to the Forced Biodiversity Program site construction. This led to a large number of such facilities being constructed on the government dime, stable ones meant for vat growing meat, stable, known animals, and minimal genetic manipulation for the future climates, with a few areas being active projects into the creation of Gobbos and Jerboans. These stable sites became the foundation for the more experimental and rapid growth ones that came to speckle both the underground, and much of the north atlantic coastlines of the continents that would become New Mojave and All-Gobi.

In addition to the Forced Biodiversity Program facility sites, the earliest megacities were constructed in Ur-Um, prototypes that would be swiftly iterated on in places such as the lands that became Sarajevo Seven Holdings and Cardinal Holdings. Most of these prototype megacities were too far south, and became swallowed by the sands, while others fell to other things in the first century of the new world. The various farming communities found that they could not fight the drying climate, and began to work with the corporations more and more, creating boom towns around the newly built charging stations that linked Pacific to Atlantic, and then becoming the very people navigating the New Mojave routes. The early adopters of the transformations, burned so badly by nations and corporations alike, preyed on these early efforts of land trade, and swore that they would never willingly be slaves again. As time went on, the various corporations based around trade and farming condensed, and merged, and merged again, with each merger, another lagging, dying megacity fell into disuse, it's population spreading out to take part in new farming or ranching prospects. In time, only Whaddyacallit, the last of the original megacity prototypes, possibly the oldest megacity on earth, remained, and with it, the owning corporation: Ur-Um Wines and Spirits, it's competitors either bought out, or reduced to a handful of charging station and caravan ownership that was owned by Ur-Um in all but name.

- The Cereal Crops and Natural Pastures
- The Rise of Synthetic Food, and The Pivot To Booze and Meat
- The New Cowboys

Administration and Structure of the Ur-Um Wines And Spirits Company

Ur-Um is run with a very loose reign from it's board members, with a great deal of emphasis put on 'on the ground' points of view and considerations. This gives Ur-Um managers and local directors enormous amounts of power over their employees, and the top brass acting more as a guiding hand, setting down quotas and directing efforts in a very general way. This lax attitude is considered odd by most corporate overlords, who like to keep their finger on the pulse, but Ur-Um's execs often use the free time to relax and enjoy the fruits of other people's labor.

On the local level, Ur-Um's people often work on a combination of everyone answering to whoever is the one put in charge by the company, with a council of well respected (read: richer in either money or years than most) individuals (often, but not always professionals in some aspect or another) acting as advisors for the manager, helping keep the town on track. Often, there's a local sheriff, who will inevitably also be someone either currently, or once deputized by Sheriff 'Double Barrel' Darrel who, as the sheriff of Whaddyacallit, is the head sheriff of Ur-Um territory, to whom all law enforcement agents eventually answer. Local sheriffs have to answer to his deputies in any matter that isn't purely local, but are expected to take the lead in any investigation that is brought to them by a deputy of Darrel.

Caravan Masters and Lizard Wrangling Bosses are the next segment of the various communities, acting as managers as well, though often independent of Ur-Um as a whole, instead running a small transport operation, or answering to whoever owns the ranch that produced the heads of lizard-cattle they're herding. Friction can, and does, often arise when herds interfere with caravan routes (or vice versa), or when some local busy body thinks he can direct traffic however he sees fit, leading to lead being the choice method of shorting out how things should actually go, at least until the local sheriff or some deputies show up to sort things out, or a bandit gang attacks. While as cantankerous, abrasive, and hard-headed as any person living in Ur-Um can be, all disputes are put on hold when bandits come calling.

Commerce of the Ur-Um Wines And Spirits Company

The massive and carefully curated lakes scattered across the central band of Ur-Um give them a fertile landscape second only to Czarina's twin-river fed, post-permafrost plains. This land allows them to cultivate old world crops such as wheat, grapes, potatoes, and other spirits in profitable exportable quantities, as well as support certain carefully curated herds of animals, in addition to supporting the massive herds of photosynthetic livestock that makes up the majority of their exportable product.Ur-Um also possesses some of the last extant birthing factories from the ancient Forced Biodiversity Program. These factories have long since been repurposed, and new birthing facilities constructed in various charging-stations far from their competitors, but they give Ur-Um a distinct advantage in the production of living products both of a floral and faunal variety.

Their major income sources are as follows:

• Real Protein: The majority of "real meat" products come from Ur-Um's herds and genevats.These are primarily sold to Protein Adjacent, but also include vast exports to other territories of meats, organs, and milks from not only lizards, but other meat cattle of the new world.
• Alcoholic Products: The founding grace of Ur-Um. While the vast majority of their product is from coastal fruit orchards and distilleries, a sizable portion of their product is in luxury alcohols of the old world such as beer, vodka, and other hard spirits derived from root vegetables and grains, as well as some of the last extant vineyards in the world.
• Organic Healthcare: Alongside their protein and alcoholic beverages, their ability to produce such vast amounts of 'real' product means that Ur-Um is the chief supplier of raw materials for organic healthcare products around the world. Whether it be the neo-omega-paleo-experience diet line, or the dextrose-obliterators diet plan, almost all of them get the ingredients for their products from Ur-Um's farms and herds.
• Clothing Materials: Animal derived materials don't just stop at medicinal and food products, but those for clothing as well. Leather, Hide, Fur, and Wool are all products that are made in Ur-Um and shipped elsewhere to be made into high end fashion items for the world's elite.
• Designer Pets: Given their access to various genetic vats and the ancient birthing factories, Ur-Um produces a large line of "Designer Pets" for clients. The term 'pet' is a misnomer, since what they actually produce tend to be various kinds of combat and guard animals, or the biological components of 'biodroid' security cyborgs.

The Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company has special trade relations with the following Territories:

• Protein Adjacent Bars 'n' Shakes: The chief trading partner of Ur-Um, to the point that the two companies rarely have high level internal meetings without teleconferencing one another. Ur-Um's vast raw biological resources are almost entirely funneled into the massive automated butcheries and mixing houses of PABnS, who in turn export their finished foods onward to their vast, intercontinental fast food chains
• The Duty Free Ports: Ur-Um sends quite a bit of it's raw product on to the Duty Free Ports, especially products meant to be converted into textiles or healthcare products. Using the sweat-shop manufacture of the isles, they turn the raw biological goods into finished ones before shipping them out from the ports to their final markets.
• Saraswati Virtue: A major importer of animal derived biological products such as insulin, animal organs and fluids, and bacterial colonies cultured in the guts of specific species within Ur-Um. Ur-Um is also the chief exporter of product testing animals used by Saraswati Virtue.
• Nazzdack: The chief importer of Ur-Um's bone, hides, furrs, and even wool, as well as Ur-Um's designer pets lines. Nazzdack's endless thirst for all things high quality, rare, and fashionable, and close proximity to Ur-Um make it their largest importer.
• Cardinal Holdings: Once one of the largest importers of milk and other dairy products from Ur-Um, Cardinal Holdings was considered just another importer market for Ur-Um's goods. Recently however, Cardinal Holdings has begun massively exporting 'bovine adjacent milk'', which cut sharply into Ur-Um's market share.

Ur-Um also does an incredibly brisk trade in relic hunting, possessing the largest desert bound territory of any territory. The vast lowlands of the New Mojave allowed for many successive cities and building attempts at settlements before the desertification finished. This means that outside of the Ronin Expedition, most Relic hunters make their home somewhere in Ur-Um when not out hunting and exploring. Relic Hunting doesn't do much for the bottom line of the Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company itself however, beyond a slight tourist boost.

Prominent Races of the Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company

All races are in approximately the same amounts as in other parts of the world

• Humans make up the vast majority of the Ur-Um's townie and country folk population, especially among the lizard wranglers.
• ELFs are relatively uncommon outside of the megacity of Whaddyacallit, and some of the settlements that orbit the megaruins that dot the expanse of Ur-Um.
• Nayalings are by and large treated with an enormous degree of mistrust in Ur-Um, and either downplay their oddness and integrate into small caravans or companies in Whaddyacallit, or end up joining bandit gangs if they don't move out of the territory entirely.
• Gobbos tend to avoid the work ethic fueled charging station towns whenever possible, much prefering life in Whaddyacallit, which has the perfect mixture of laid back perversion and wide tanning areas to make it something of a gobbo paradise.
• Wukong enclaves regularly set up shop in the coastal fruit orchards of the territory, with some of the more ambitious ones attempting to set up shop in the fields and orchards around the great resevoir lakes, where they engage in regular banditry and back and forth warfare with the locals. Though they are significantly less common in Ur-Um than in other territories given the size of Ur-Um taken as a whole.
• Splicers are something of a common site in the territory given its access to genetic modification technologies, but population wise they are significantly more common among caravaneers, often as exotic prostitutes and traveling attractions for the townies, or as adventurers, who often take on splicing treatments to give them an extra edge in the wastes of New Mojave.
• Jerboans comprise an enormous portion of Ur-Um's population, as the vast tracts of the New Mojave play home to the majority of the global Jerboan population, who regularly raid Ur-Um's caravans and settlements for supplies.
• Remakes make up an unusually high number within this territory, as many people come to join the Prospector's guild to make it rich, and those who survive often purchase remake bodies in order to make it further into the deserts, to access the ruins that remain untouched by 400 years of archeology and grave robbing.
• Artificiates are relatively rare due to the lack of automation in most towns across Ur-Um, with only the occasional saloon bot or birthing factory operating bot waking up.

Culture of the Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company

Ur-Um culture is heavily split into three general groups. The Townies, made up of the people living in and around charging-stations, (of which citizens of Whaddyacallit are a special case, often lumped in with other megacity dwellers, called 'city-slickers'), the country-folk, made up of carvaneers and ranchers, and the Bandits, who more or less include the entirety of the Jerboan population of Ur-Um as well as anyone who makes most of their money through illegal means.

Townies mostly focus on getting their job done, not questioning the system provided they can get their daily bread and provide for their family. A very puritanical work ethic pervades the townspeople of Ur-Um, with a certain level of xenophobic suspicion for folks who are from out of town and not part of one of the regular caravans that blows on through. Townies are often surprisingly prudish on the outside compared to the caravaneers and megacity dwellers, but simply hide their perversions for their own homes and the redlit bars and streets of their small communities, carefully watched to make sure nobody tries to skip out on a tab, and none of the people banned from them are able to get in. City-slicker townies are considered to be much more loose in their morals, more 'worldly', and too prideful for their own good. In either case, their lives revolve around their professions as in most corporate communities.

Country folk are hardy, earthy, and down to earth. Townies are often prim and proper, and less quick to immediate violence except when you prick their sensibilities, where a Country Folk will reach for his pistol at the first sign of serious provocation. That said, it's often harder to get under their skin than it is with Townies, the ranchers and caravaneers taking a laid back and adaptable approach to life that matches their wandering ways. During the day they work hard on their routes, and expect those around them to do the same, but at night, with the kids packed away into their family Atluses and safely asleep, they let their hair down and blow off their stress for the day. Unlike most people in the world, these people's lives revolve around their specific group rather than their profession. Every member of the caravan or wrangling team is expected to handle multiple, rotating duties, giving them a broadness of skillset rarely seen in the new world.

Bandits makeup the third, and by far, the most diverse group. You'll find everything from rebels to criminals to simple isolationist communities among the bandits. Their activities range from simply avoiding contact with the corpos and their bootlickers except when they need to steal something (the common attitude of the Jerboan Biker Gangs), to actively seeking to fuck up the corpos and make a name for themselves as terrors of the dunes. The Jerboans make up the most unified bandit culture, with their disdain for corporate culture to the point they rarely even accept corporate bribes or payoffs, their adoration of old world music, and their reliance on noisy, clanking, gas-powered bikes and buggies. Jerboans can, and do, make friendly contact with both caravaneers and wranglers, and even with the occasional town, but these are the exception, not the rule, and always based on unique circumstances between those two particular groups. Even bandits that are more profit motivated than the Jerboans are have similar rules, cultivating a good relationship with at least one group or settlement to act as their fence and point of contact. After all, what's the point of stealing crap if you can't sell it then blow all your money on hookers and blow? Bandits' lives revolve primarily around privation and when the next flood of resources and goods is going to come from, whether that's from directly raiding a food transport caravan, or trading in the goods they've stolen at a community willing to do business with them.

Special Locations of the Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company

Ur-Um is the oldest of the territories, with the largest span of actual solid ground in all the world. It covers multitudes, from ancient fallen megacities, to bunker networks so vast they would swallow nations. These are some of the things you're unlikely to see elsewhere outside of their territory.

• Hydroponics Skyscrapers: Built around the edges of the lakes that make up the heartlands of Ur-Um, these enormous skyscrapers are responsible for the vast majority of the middle to high-grade products exported by Ur-Um (the coastal orchards making up the low grade fruit based alcohol export supply). These vast towers serve two purposes. Firstly, they create safe environments for growing large amounts of plant products for as few resources as possible. Secondly, they both shield, and keep supplied (through wind catchment), the enormous reservoir lakes that act as mid-trek watering holes for the farthest flung herds on their trip to Protein Adjacent, and as the primary water source for the entire, dessicated territory.
• Jerboan Wind Traps: Unlike in All-Gobi, where the mountains create a vast rain-shadow that lead to the land having rather plentiful water for at least part of the year, New Mojave's heartlands are as dry as a sun bleached bone year round. The Jerboans have constructed carefully hidden wind-traps from scrap, repurposed bunker taps, and natural land formations that allow them to replenish water for both the radiators of their vehicles and for their own use. These wind traps are guarded fiercely, and trespassers or rival gangs caught using one will face swift retribution, provided the traps don't get them first.
• Refurbished Birthing Factories: The vast majority of facilities dedicated to the Forced Biodiversity Program have long since been shut down, destroyed, or turned feral. In all the world, Ur-Um is the only territory where these ancient facilities have been studiously maintained and even occasionally upgraded for the purpose of producing massive amounts of genetically engineered live and seedstock. A few attempts at making comparable modern facilities have been made, but without the 'driven by threat of extinction' lack of attention to cost that defined their construction in the first place, true Birthing Factories are all but impossible to achieve for the bottom-line driven corporate rulers of the world, and only relatively small ones developed around charging stations, often highly specialized around a handful of genetic sequences have been produced in anything like quantity.

Organizations of the Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company

Ur-Um is a very loosely defined territory, with few organizations that act on anything like a large scale beyond your basic gang. Most groups orient themselves around family patterns, and beyond the single corporate boarding school in Whaddyacallit that serves the megacity population, most charging stations, ranchers, and caravans still operate on something approaching the standard family unit.

• Darrel's Deputies - Administrative Body: The closest thing to actual corporate security in Ur-Um, and a rather ragtag bunch at that. Ranging from almost totally mercenary bounty hunters, to naive fools who still believe in Justice in the corporate world, Darrel deputizes anyone with a gun who is more likely to put a stop to trouble than start it. Provided they take in bounties put out by Ur-Um's board, keep trade flowing, and watch one another's backs, they're given free reign in how they execute their duties in preserving the peace. There's an unspoken code among them that no matter how much they might hate one another for whatever reason, every Deputy has every other Deputy's back, come-what-may.
• Prospectors Guild - Guild: A group of daring and foolhardy adventurers that brave the world's undercities and bunkers in search of loot, and to map the ever expanding network of underground facilities. The Prospectors Guild provides a secondary source of tourism for Ur-Um beyond the ability to get shitfaced, which is the quantity of Old World relics brought up to the surface. Collectors from around the world gather in Ur-Um to peruse and purchase the strange fragments of the past, and thanks to the endless flow of drink, often end up spending more money than they planned.
• Coastal Jerboan Gangs - Gang: These jerboan gangs make a living on the coastlines of Ur-Um, engaging in some limited coastal piracy, but making the majority of their living through a combination of smuggling, grifting, and selling their musical talents to the 'Bacconians in the summer, before returning to their more permanent mobile boat-communities in winter, sheltering in the sounds between the Duty Free Ports and Ur-Um's coastline from the hurricanes. Rather than bikes, they trick out various kinds of aquatic and hovercraft.

Settlements of the Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company

The majority of Ur-Um's settlements are bustling small towns, built around a single charge station with vast fields of solar collectors placed around them. The excess power is poured into whatever the local industry is, be that entertainment, mining, farming, genefabbing, or manufacturing.

• Whaddyacallit: The last prototype megacity still standing and occupied; all others having been replaced or reconstructed in more beneficial areas. As such, Whaddyacallit is much like the Ur-Um territory itself, a ramshackle and dilapidated artifact of a forgotten time. Largely used to house dock workers and administrative staff for its colossal alcohol exports, Ur-Um is an Old West town piled vertically. Whaddyacallit's low-profile interlinked skyscrapers each dedicated to a single cause might give cause to suspect that the megacity is larger than others, due to its wide footprint, though this is not the case. Entire districts go unpopulated as citizens take to working in the territory's agricultural and farming projects, either growing grapes for wine, distilling spirits, or herding photosynthetic livestock, as the smaller towns scattered across Ur-Um land paradoxically feel more alive and bustling than its megacity.
• Genstem Enhancements: A small production town in the eastern regions of Ur-Um Wines and Spirits dedicated entirely to the processing of raw materials into gene-manipulating supplements. It was seeded as a hopeful competitor to Protien Adjacent Bars 'n' Shakes, but fell flat on it's face when they gave it a name that made it too hard for their target demographic to maintain the illusion that the gains they promised would be natural. While the name stayed the same, the company was privatized and now feed product back into their parent companies so the general workforce can be 'enhanced' instead.
• Harpe Diem: An agrarian region on the edges of Ur-Um territory that transformed into a windswept dust bowl after "The Fire of XXX6". In the face of extinction, the children who inherited the dust farms turned their plowshares to work tools, pulled apart the empty, prefabricated grain silos and barns, and built a fleet of sand-ships. From then on, Harpe Diem was known for the scythe-wielding buccaneers who crossed the dunes on the twisting winds and raided the neighboring towns and villages.
• Whopper: A resting place for ranchers during the enormous cattle drives through Ur-Um to Protein Adjacent. Little more than a collection of food trucks parked around a solitary inn, Whopper is known to serve the freshest steaks, burgers, spaghetti, and other red meat foods in the New World. Whopper also acts as one of the few places one can hunker down during tropical storms, though tensions often rise dramatically when dozens of men and women are stuck sharing a single building to eat and sleep in for days, if not weeks, on end.
• Barleywick:
• Schnutz City: Nearby Protein Adjacent is an entire extreme sports themed settlement headed by your friends at Red Schnutz, makers of the best strength boosting energy drink this side of The Freemen Commune! Mountain bike shops, rock climbing centers, weight lifting gyms and more adorn nearly every street corner, be it residential, commercial, or industrial districts. Overlooking the town is a lone spire, Red Schnutz corporate headquarters, home to not only their biggest production plant, but the maximum security vault that contains the coveted prototype recipe.
• The Last Stop Til Morn: Less a town, more a strip of conveniently places buildings around the saloon brothel the town is named for, "Last Stop" is a bustling and busy bar in the middle of Ur-Um territory and acts as the last stop before the true wasteland begins. Home to just about any kind of wrangler, desperado, mechanic, even the odd sensetanker, this town is ran mostly by Bessie "Big Bess" Buller and Deputy Schmeatshot- both of them keep eyes for trouble and keep a welcoming heart to folks just needing a respite from the heat and a quick fuck. The saloon itself mixes Ancient West aesthetics with modern tech, and comes with a wild bucking bull automatron in the back for those with the balls to hand for dear life. The best drink is "Bess's Buster", a mixture of milk and strong agave alcohols to make a stiff and filling brew. Of course, Bessie also understands food is important, and thus the new u is stocked with everything from your standard fried lizard on a stick to THE SLAB- a giant hunk of solid seared beef that night as well be half the cow that has a challenge associates with downing the whole thing in 2 hours. So far, only 4 people have devoured THE SLAB, the fastest being the Jerboan outlaw Riggs Bigs after a long journey on an empty stomach. As for the brothel, Bessie's various choices offer just about anything one could want (barring things that require extensive cleaning), with Bessie herself offering up for a premium fee at just a chance with her. The regular town has about everything you'd find in an Old West town, including the spooky graveyard!

Last Leg: The charging post town of Last Leg sits on a crossroads roughly halfway between central Ur-Um and the border of Protein Adjacent. The road running from west to east is called Slaughterhouse Way, and is one of the routes used to drive photosynthetic cattle towards their final destination. A path runs North out of town, and leads straight up towards the Duty-Free Ports. Opposite this is an unnamed road that leads directly south, known locally as the Mojave Plunge.

Last Leg's name is thought to have come from the story of an Atlus walker from Whaddyacallit that lost its entire crew and all but one of its legs in a kaiju attack. Despite the severe limb deficiency, it still managed to drag itself on for a week before finally breaking down at the crossroads where this town now stands. The final leg of the walker remains embedded in the dirt at the centre of town.

• The town is built on flat shrubland, with a few lazy hills dotted around. Nearly half of Last Leg's population lives outside the town proper as to keep an eye on the spread-out hydroponics towers, most of which lie to the north or west. The current sheriff of Last Leg is a good-natured ex-adventurer named Danielle Harper. Danielle modifies and enacts local laws to suit current circumstances, which are then enforced by "Harper's Dozen" - a squad of thirteen mounted combatants that were bought out from a trusted mercenary company. Last Leg is a market for the riding beasts raised on the plains nearby. Engineers, saddlers, and mechanics also flourish in town. As the crossroads at the center of town provide a clear route to The Duty-Free Ports, Protein Adjacent, and JAV, a well-established escort service operates out of Last Leg. They will gladly protect merchants and other travelers on the way to the other territories, provided they are paid a hefty service fee upfront.

People of the Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company

Ur-Um's people tend to be seen as rather relaxed by the standards of most of the workaholic corpos of the world, taking life as it comes in a slow, easy way... until someone gets their dander up. Then it's all knocked over tables and reaching for irons all the way.

• "Double Barrel" Darrel Doubleday
• Bandit
• Varric Brentsworth
• Redmond "Uncle Red" Taurus: Tall, burly, bald, and the greatest mustache known to man. Redmond Taurus presents himself as a macho man, making damn sure that his muscular arms are exposed at all times. This 7-foot-5 wall of protein is dressed in a business suit and tie with the sleeves ripped off to facilitate this. He's just as much a man of business as he is physical strength, exuding an aura of boisterous bravado from his very skin. He only accessorizes his appearance with shiny black shades and a watch on his left wrist. His slacks are tight around his impressive 12 inch bulge, and legends claim that he's tattooed his company's logo on his ballsac.
  Uncle Red is a macho man, perhaps toxically so. Despite this, he's a man of humble origins who clawed his way to the top of the food chain with only his unstoppable drive, his faith in his product, and sheer force of being hard as balls! Those who work for his company become a part of his family, and he makes damn sure that his family wants for nothing. So long as you don't half-ass your work, Uncle Redmond Taurus will see to it you feel like you belong. He likes working out, talking up his strength enhancing energy drink Red Schnutz, and presenting himself with the macho man energy of professional wrestlers. He also tends to yell at the top of his lungs to emphasize his point. To those he is friends with, he's just a burly, boisterous, fiercely protective teddy bear. To his corporate rivals, he's the toughest, most stubborn sumbitch who ever held the title of CEO. Get on his bad side, and your face will end up replaced with his fist-print.
• Bessie "Big Bess" Buller: A tall bovine based splicer, Bessie is a large woman with a large heart and larger breasts, having opened her saloon at the edge of the wastes on money from various acts of debauchery. She stands 6'6", with chestnut eyes and hair that reaches her mid back, curly and soft. Atop her brow are two sharp horns, and her ears are more bovine in nature. She's a bit more on the pudgy side, having a motherly form that is punctuates by her massive breasts, barely hidden under a work shirt or a bustier, which tend to leak under just about any circumstance. She's tanned from years on the frontier, with freckles along her face and arms, and favors light clothes. Bessie herself is a sweet if strict woman, keeping eyes for trouble for anyone in her town. The Last Stop is what divided society from the wild wastes, and she seems to hold that peace with her partner Deputy Schmeatshot. If ya can't afford a room, she'll offer one in two conditions: a night's work and a good fuck. This has lead to Bessie having many children and many return customers who later became full time. She isn't afraid to lay a man flat however- while she's round and soft in many places, she has plenty of muscle from carrying her bulk and has been known to throw people with enough force they land on the town outskirts with a firm warning that returning means she's aiming for the Wasteland next. One can expect a lot of motherly words, though be wary should she utter "Bless yer heart".
• Deputy Darl Schmeatshot: A gobbo of unknown origin out on the frontier to get sun, guns, and a good fuck. He became the deputy of town after lasting fiddy (50) rounds with Bessie. Schmeatshot is 3'0", green as a bean as any gobbo, with wide eyes and slim if chiseled physique. He keeps a shaved head, tattooed to show off exploits, and has red eyes. Prefers his oversized cargoes and chaps, with spurred boots of fine Hot Dog leather for spurring his Hot Dog mount Gobbler along. He packs an impressive 15 incher for someone so small with large nuts to match, and is not afraid to eschew clothes around his partner Bessie but to show off. He is almost never seen without his absurdly huge 6 shooter and triple barrel shotgun that he likes to shove against people as a threat. Darl himself is an outdoorsy and lazy type, often found sleeping off a hang over on someone's roof or his sun room at the Saloon, but snaps away the second his oversized ears hear the slightest bit of trouble happening. Easy going, friendly, and overly eager for a an easy sex session, most would say that he's the one sheriff you'd want in many ways .. if he had that title. He jokes he stole the sheriff's heart and got the job, but really with Bessie being in charge he just took the title. Some say he's on the run from a scorned Wukong lover, though at this point his kids with Bessie and his commitment would save him a lot of hassle should the ex ever come hollering. Darl also has a dark sense of humor, threatening that he doesn't miss even if he's drunk off his ass and sun deprived, and pressing the barrels of his triple-barrel to someone's chest should they start acting up. If he's not found sleeping off hangovers or on patrol, he's balls deep in one of the brothel ladies or Bessie.
• Gobbler: A Sandy Hot Dog with a saddle thar Schmeatshot rides. A good boy who will headbutt you if he doesn't like you. Voted most likely to win a dog show in Last Stop.

Historic Events of the Ur-Um Wines and Spirits Company

Ur-Um's history is filled with feuds, fights, heroism, and exploration, but mostly, with drunken brawls.

• Schnutzjam: A massive sports festival hosted and sponsored by Red Schnutz, where those with the strength and the balls to compete in games of physical prowess. Originally conceived as a publicity stunt waves marketing campaign in 2409, the first launch in 2410 saw record smashing success, so much so that they actually ran out of numerous supplies due to the sheer amount of unexpected attendees. Following this event, every year folks hock wares of "Never forget OG Schnutzjam", a phrase that has echoed even into the corporate spheres. Seeing the success and avalanche of money that poured in just from opening day, Redmond Taurus decides to make it an annual affair held in the middle of May. Games have come to include (but are not limited to,) the 600 meter dash, the super leap, anchor toss, barbell juggling, and the flex off. Thanks to pushes from the crowd, the next Schnutzjam might include no holds bars wrestling and a sumo tournament.
  The most famous Schnutzjam (outside of the first) was 2413's, where current reigning anchor toss champion Yeets O'Malley threw an anchor past the horizon in one circle toss, landing 3.6 miles away, and then proceeding to crush the competition in further throwing based competitions and coming in second for the arm wrestling commendation again Eddy "The Slammer" Rico. Today, the Jerboan enjoys a fine harem, plenty of food, and a corporate endorsement by Red Schnutz.
• Summer Overage: Whaddyacallit exports Ur-Um produced goods quarterly, saving on the massive security required to survive on the pirate-ridden ocean by offering free transport to up-and-coming 'Bacco questing knights and squires on their fleet of cargo shipson the day of exporting. The Summer export is the largest of the year, and ships are packed to the brim with meat and drinks, with tons left on the docks.
  Summer Overage is Whaddyacallit's city wide block party, dedicated to eating and drink all the left-behind food and booze before it sours in the summer heat. BBQs on every street corner, grilling ribs, chicken, sausages, corn, peppers and onion rings. Multi-tap beer kegs the size of cars parked in strategic high traffic locations. Ur-Um Folk music piped through P.A systems and bluegrass bands on raised stages and atop buildings, horizon-wide drunken revelry for days on end.
  Adventurers passing between Nazzdack and J.A.V often make sure to take the journey in the summer, stopping by Whaddyacallit for the free food and booze, and to fill their pockets with quick quests; solving the innumerable little slights, thefts and mishaps from the festival, or possibly gaining some info from a loose-lipped drunk about a potential heist or treasure.

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